We’ve all wanted to support a loved one going through a difficult time. You’ve most likely offered your help during these situations but felt unsure exactly what to do. So what do people really want when they are going through a hard time?
During difficult times, we often seek support from our social group. This is because our social support network plays a vital role in our health. In patients with depression, if they have a strong support network, symptoms can be less severe. Additionally, support from close contacts is associated with less need for psychiatric services in patients with depression. While it’s clear that social support can benefit those going through difficult times, it’s unclear what exactly about social support is providing the benefits.
To understand more about what aspects of social support are helpful, we interviewed 30 veterans with symptoms of major depression from different VA medical centers. Of the veterans interviewed, the majority of the veterans were White males and the mean age of the participants was 60. We conducted in person interviews for about an hour with each participant and asked them a series of questions about their support systems and how their close contacts were involved in their depression care.
While the veterans identified a variety of ways their close contacts supported them, “being there” emerged as a repeated theme throughout the interviews with the veterans. As for what “being there” entails, there were three ways that veterans described it. The first was physical proximity, as in someone’s literal ability to provide physical comfort through actions. Second, frequently checking in and quick responses was another way veterans felt that someone could be there for them. Finally perceived availability, the idea that “if I need her, she’ll come” helped veterans to feel that someone was there for them.
Within one’s general ability to be there for someone physically or emotionally, there were also specific skills that veterans identified as useful. The ability to sense the patient’s emotional state helped veterans feel that the individuals they were confiding in were “attuned” to them or could “read” them. In turn, then communicating about what they sensed about a veteran’s emotional state was helpful. Interestingly, veterans preferred an indirect communication style where depression or feelings of sadness were not directly addressed, rather through a series of conversations about their everyday life, how they are doing is slowly revealed.
The interviews with the veterans offered key insight into what others can do to help individuals with depression but also suggested there were things the individual could do. The veterans revealed that there were also perceptions that they held that were barriers to them involving others in their mental health care. The first and second barriers revolved around a concern for others: believing that others were already busy with their own lives and not wanting to instill unnecessary worry in others. The other barrier was a tendency within the veterans to be self-reliant. This suggests that having other people “be there” during a difficult time is important but being open to letting people “be there” similarly plays a significant role in a veteran’s mental health.
Our interviews with veterans struggling with major depression suggest that there are specific ways that help people feel more supported during times of need. While further research is needed on how exactly to improve certain skills to “be there” for someone, our study offers some preliminary suggestions. First, help someone know you are available to be there for them. This can be done by physically spending time with them or texting them to check-in. Use your actions to demonstrate that if needed, you are available and willing to help.
Additionally, while it may take time and practice to be “attuned” to someone, pay attention to the little things. Veterans cited that they felt supported when close contacts could “recognize when somethings not right” or when people can “pick up on the slightest changes”. This suggests that paying attention to your loved one’s small behavioral changes may offer insight into how they are doing. While this may be difficult, communicating may also be helpful. Find out what kind of communication your loved one needs to feel supported. Ask them how they are doing, even just about the small things can go a long way.
There is not a straightforward answer to how to be there for someone. If you have a loved one who needs support, show up for them in the ways you can, and don’t be afraid to ask them what they need. What support looks like to different people may vary however fundamentally everyone needs to feel that there is someone there for them when they need it.